Rape.. it’s an ugly word. It’s a fucking ugly word. I don’t know anything that will ever change that.
June 26th. And it began. Tears, doubt, anger, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, fear, fury… the descriptive words are endless and continue to spew. The wave of emotions, the better days. The suicidal days. You wonder if you’re safe at home or if you’re safe out of your house. Tired. Anxious. Under pressure. Are you safe at work? Are you afraid to get out of bed? How long is this painful life going to last? I want to break free.
The dark hole.. oh I remember it, of course I remember it. Has it already been a year? Where did that time go? Did I do anything in that year? Did I do the right things? Should recovery take that long?
We have been put on this journey through no fault of our own. A journey that started out as a criminal act, a devastating toxin that seeped into our souls. This is my one year anniversary as a rape survivor. I took a lot of time off to recover and think about my life. Rape made me reexamine my existence. It was time to clean house. I made a lot of positive changes. I got rid of men who I had kept in my life but knew they weren’t worthy of me. I got rid of guys who were hovering around when they were bored between women. I kept men around who I wasn’t truly interested in. Another one bites the dust. I started spending time with those men who I respected and who respected me. Men who I deserved. Men who were good honest solid men. I quit the job I hated and got rid of the stress. Gone.. Changed the interior of my house, new art, new furniture. It finally looked like My home. I got new clothes that fit my style and said who I am.
My message to all of you who have just started this post assault journey. It can be a wicked ride. A long fucking wicked ride. How long? When will you start enjoying your life again? No way to know, but it will happen. When God says it is time, it will happen. Maybe not as quickly as you want it to, but it will. The show must go on. Use this time to take an inventory of your life. Toss the crap and the stress and the losers who don’t give a shit about you. You are too good for them. Stay close to those who respect you, understand you, support you, and love you.
There will come a time when your friends will notice you’re a bit ‘lighter’. Then one day you will notice you are laughing, out loud, with your friends or family. Laughter…a lovely gift. You will feel lighter. And it will feel good. The old you is still there. But now you’re the new You.
Welcome to the new You. Keep yourself a love. Love her, protect her, praise her, nurture her. Pamper yourself. Treat her like a Queen. Why? Because we are the Champions.
the Standing Strong blog 