I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere! I’ve never felt like I even belonged in this world. I can’t tell you what age that I started feeling like this but I can tell you it started young. I feel like it has been my whole life but I’m sure that it hasn’t.
I had a great childhood and great parents. I always love to entertain people or make them laugh. I appreciate how laughter can be such great medicine when it feels like there is no hope. There are many times where I may be the goofiest person in the room but inside I feel like I’m dead. I feel like a dead man walking. I look for things to distract me from the mental anguish that I may feel in that moment that I can’t escape.
This is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to write knowing that people will read it! I’m not so good at opening myself up to the world. I’ve been to a therapist but at that time depression wasn’t as active so to speak. I was more trying to deal with my anxiety at that time. That lasted a few months and I had an issue with the therapist that had nothing to do with my mental health so I stopped seeing her. I’d rather work on myself without anyone’s help anyway.
I never realized what was wrong with me as a kid but later I realized that depression was an issue that was seemingly always there. I’ve never really been very open with my struggles until now. There were times I was open and the phrase I heard from people most often was “it is all in your head.” That phrase never made me feel any better. I always felt alone because I felt like there was no one who understood what it was like to feel trapped inside your mind or really understood me. I also didn’t want people to think I was looking for attention nor did I want pity from people.
The biggest issue I had in the past was always looking for someone to make me happy! I didn’t realize that even when you are with the most amazing person that you’ll still get depressed. I had to learn that lesson a few times. It would just make me depressed because I made that other person my whole life so losing them destroyed me inside. I didn’t realize at that time that you had to find a way to make yourself complete. You have to be your own person and when you find that other significant other that you share your completeness with them instead of them making you complete.
The past two years I’ve been on a mission trying to become a better person and grow as a person. I’ve learned a lot and I’m working on loving myself. This is very difficult as part of my depression is never feeling good enough so I get depressed when I feel that way. You make mistakes and it is hard for me to move on from those mistakes. They stay looming in my mind.
The biggest weapon that I use against my struggles is positivity. It is very difficult to be positive on certain days but I’m always working on it. I don’t want to just give in and let the darkness surround my mind and try not to fight it. There are days where I may let the gloomy feelings overtake me but I work every day to get stronger so I don’t give in.